The infamous theme. (mp3, wav)

Bob: "Good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug."
Doug: "How's it goin', eh?" (mp3, wav)

Doug: "I'm havin' a good time here 'cause like, no one can see us eh. So like, you don't even know if we're nude, eh."
Bob: "Get out! They do too."
Doug: "They don't eh. Me and my brother here are nude. So like, imagine us - okay, look at the album now, eh. Okay, now look. Imagine - there he is - there's hosehead, with no clothes on. He's really built eh."
Bob: "Get out!" (mp3, wav)

Doug: "Look at me, now. No, just look at me. Don't look at him."
Bob: "Oh, get out."
Doug: "Zoom in on me. How ya doin', it's me, Doug. Good day everyone. Okay, zoom out. Now look at hosehead." (mp3, wav)

Bob: "So another thing is like, if you're listening to the album and like ya got it turned up real loud like Zeppelin, right, and somebody says, 'Turn it down!,' right, don't worry 'cause like we can talk quieter." (mp3, wav)

Doug: "Good day, I'm right in your ear. Oh, nice ear buddy. Why don't you ever clean this thing?" (mp3, wav)

Bob: "If hosehead there had his choice he wouldn't be in your ear he'd be in your nose, doin' some mining of, uh, mineral resources."
Doug: "Booger nuggets." (mp3, wav)

Bob: "Okay, take a sixpack of cans (like normally we drink bottles eh, but for this game you gotta use cans), so take a six of your favorites, right - it's like Russian roulette, it's called The Beer Hunter. (mp3, wav)

Bob: "Hoser's gonna open six beers, or however many it takes..."
Doug: "No - I'm gonna open one, eh. And then you're gonna open one. So like, if I don't get a wethead you will." (mp3, wav)

Doug: "You have to hold the beer like right to your head, on an angle, so, like, even if it isn't the one you're still gonna get wet."
Bob: "I'm hopin' this is it." (opens can). Ah.
Doug: "Okay it isn't."
Bob: "Okay, that one didn't explode so you have to drink it."
Doug: "The punishment is not too bad, I think I can take it eh."
Bob: "You get thirsty playin' this game." (mp3, wav)

Doug: "This is how he hoses me every time."
Bob: "No, don't take that one. That could be the one. No, don't take that one. That - okay, take that one."
Doug: "You're tomentin' me now. I'm takin' the one I took first. (Doug gets a beer shower) Aaagh!"
Bob: "I win. I win every time. Wethead. Towel off. Get out. Oh, you're blowin' the floor. Way to go.
Doug: "You hoser."
Bob: "Beer shampoo." (mp3, wav)

Doug: "Okay, everyone ready? Will you sing with me, standing in unison. (Does the theme).
Bob: "Okay, be seated." (mp3, wav)

Doug: "No, everyone, okay, everyone go out except the people in the third seat of every row - you all have a detention.
Bob: "Why, what'd they do?"
Doug: "They, I have to talk to them all in my office. So come to the vice principal's office and we'll have a beer and talk. You've been bad."
Bob: "You can't do that. You have to have a reason."
Doug: "I don't if I'm vice principal, eh. My vice principal never had any reasons, so I don't need any."
Bob: "What? Really?" (mp3, wav)

Doug: (Blows on bottle) "That is the miracle of music from a beer bottle."
Bob: "You could do the, our theme with beer bottles of different..."
Doug: "I need more bottles."
Bob: "Well why don't we pick the needle up and finish off some beer bottles, then come back and maybe we'll have our theme." (mp3, wav)

"Here we are, at Peter's Donuts." (mp3, wav)

Bob: "Hey, over here! I'm gonna get us booted out. Hey over here for DONUTS!"
Doug: "Don't listen to him, eh. He's a, he's a hoser!" (mp3, wav)

Doug: "Okay, one pineapple-filled donut, and a six pack of cruellers."
Bob: "A six?!"
Doug: "Yeah, for me eh, I didn't have any dinner."
Bob: "And you're not gonna have any breakfast either." (mp3, wav)

"It's the old 40 degrees. So when they say, '5 degrees,' 40!" (mp3, wav)

Doug: "Like how many beers would that be, if you want like, a sixpack in metric?"
Bob: "Six, six is 12, 30 is 42 beers. 42 metric beers."
Doug: "That's good for me eh. Count me in on metric." (mp3, wav)

"These donut places - the guy's got ten tables and three spots!" (mp3, wav)

Bob: "Give the cops donuts and they won't give us tickets. Hey, cops, want donuts?
Doug: "You pay for the donuts, I'll go talk to the cops." (mp3, wav)

Doug: "Take off!" (mp3, wav)

Bob: "He told us that he could pay us ten bucks -"
Doug: "- EACH. So we're not morons." (mp3, wav)

Doug: "Oh boy, we got hosed. We could have done that ourselves eh."
Bob: "No."
Doug: "Why not?"
Bob: "I don't know how."
Doug: "That's a good point." (mp3, wav)

Bob: "Uh, I hope ya don't mind but, there's a photographer that's gonna be takin' pictures of us together to prove that you were here."
Doug: "In case people don't believe us."
Geddy Lee: "How come he's not wearin' a toque?"
Doug: "Oh he's not from the Great White North." (mp3, wav)

Doug (during hit single): "Okay everyone. This record was my idea. Hosehead just sort of rid on my coattail."
Bob: "Why are you doin' this? It was our idea together, eh."
Doug: "Okay. We agreed to say that, but..."
Bob: "Aw, take off!" (mp3, wav)

Geddy Lee: "So like, take off, to the Great White North. Take off, it's a beauty way to go. TAKE OFF, you hosers!" (mp3, wav)

Bob: "That's our roadie 'cause like now that we have an album we have a roadie, and we're gettin' an equipment van, and like, there will be 12 tractor trailer loads full of equipment bringing our Coleman, and our openers are beers and 50 million pounds of backbacon."
Doug: "Oh yeah! 50 million?! Take off!"
Bob: "Okay, 5 million." (mp3, wav)

Doug's spirited retelling of Bob's coffee sandwich. (mp3, wav)

"Take off, eh." (Doug as Darth Vader). (mp3, wav)

"'68 Ford Fairlane two door, blue, with a black vinyl top, three-speed on the tree, and an FM radio in it." (mp3, wav)

"I am Elron McKenzie, and welcome to my church." (mp3, wav)

"My topic today is, Don't Kill Bugs." (mp3, wav)

"Black hole." (mp3, wav)

Bob & Doug's secret message and the secret message revealed!

"You are our guest." (mp3, wav)

"Can I get ya a beer, a back bacon?" (mp3, wav)

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"What are you on, valium?" (mp3, wav)

Bob: "Take off will ya we're doin' our movie!"
Doug: "Don't wreck our show, you hoser!" (mp3, wav)

"I'm gettin' whiplash from my burps, eh." (mp3, wav)

"All hosers in Russia and Hawaii and England, welcome to our movie eh..." (mp3, wav)

"This movie was shot in 3-B, 3 beers an' it looks good eh..." (mp3, wav)

"There wasn't much to do -- all the bowling alleys had been wrecked. So's I spent most of my time lookin' for beer." (mp3, wav)

"I was kinda like a one-man force eh, like Charlton Heston in 'Omega Man,' did ya see it, it was beauty." (mp3, wav)

Bob: "Fleshy-headed mutant, are you friendly?"
Doug: "No way, eh! Radiation has made me an enemy of civilization!" (mp3, wav)

Doug: "Take off you hoser!" (mp3, wav)

Doug: "Take off eh!" (mp3, wav)

"Good thing I'm still wearin' that jock eh." (mp3, wav)

"You hurry you hoser!" (mp3, wav)

Doug: "Dad, Bob broke your beer!"
Bob: "No I didn't, Doug broke it!" (mp3, wav)

"Okay, okay, you boss me around." (mp3, wav)

"Jeez there's a lotta arrows, eh -- Elsinore Castle, Elsinore Brewery, Royal Canadian Institute for the Mentally Insane. Hey, that's loony bin eh!..." (mp3, wav)

Bob: "You see her lookin' at me?"
Doug: "Yeah, 'cause she thought you were some kinda freak! Now come on!"
Bob: "Take off, she likes me, eh!" (mp3, wav)

"Okay, ya know his replacement eh, like the new boss? We made the appointment with him, eh. What's his name again?" (mp3, wav)

"You know who that is? That's John LaRose, Montreal Canadian Rookie of the Year two years ago..." (mp3, wav)

"We found this mouse in a bottle of Elsinore beer we bought at your beer store eh, and we heard like, when that happens, you get your beer free..." (mp3, wav)

Bob: "This is spooky, eh."
Doug: "It's like a ghost town isn't it..." (mp3, wav)

"Like he once got our dead battery goin' by mixing bird feces and spit 'cause there's like acid in it, eh. So, do you travel quite a bit?" (mp3, wav)

"Jeez you're real nice. If I didn't have puke breath, I'd kiss you." (mp3, wav)

"You got to Level 6 I only got to Level 5, beauty playin'." (mp3, wav)

"Fresh as a daisy!" (mp3, wav)

Bob and Doug in a big spitting fight. (mp3, wav)

"...He saw Jedi seventeen times, eh." (mp3, wav)

"That was no goal y'know, that was in the crease!" (mp3, wav)

"Awww, my left nut!" (mp3, wav)

"Somebody horked our clothes!..." (mp3, wav)

"Woooooooo, beer shower!" (mp3, wav)

"He's dead! You killed him! Police, police, my brother's a murderer! He's not dead, look, his stomach's movin'." (mp3, wav)

"This piano's got a computer in it eh! I don't know how to work it though, eh..." (mp3, wav)

Cool tune Bob plays on the synthesizer. (mp3, wav)

Claude Elsinore: "You can't miss it, it's right at the bottom of the big hill." (mp3, wav)

"SCREEEECH!"
Bob: "Aw! What're you doin'?"
Doug: "Uh, just testin' the brakes eh, they felt a little soft." (mp3, wav)

"...We got two kegs!" (mp3, wav)

"Last one inside is a big idiot." (mp3, wav)

"He's got a funny look in his eye, eh." (mp3, wav)

"Jelly donut comin'!" (mp3, wav)

"That's her..." (Bob and Doug in a police lineup). (mp3, wav)

"Those big cons are gonna love you, eh..." (mp3, wav)

"Chimp here does the killin'. I don't like to kill..." (mp3, wav)

"We told 'em we didn't want a lawyer. Chimp here'd probably just kill him anyway. Lawyers are for sucks." (mp3, wav)

Bob: "Remind me to pay his bill on time, eh."
Doug: "Chuck Norris for the defense, eh." (mp3, wav)

Claude Elsinore: "Just because I don't know what it is, doesn't mean I'm lying." (mp3, wav)

Lawyer: "Objection, you cannot split pleas like that."
Bob: "Two bowls of split pleas soup to go, eh..." (mp3, wav)

"...He's the one with the bleedin' nose I didn't do nothin'." (mp3, wav)

Doug: "Beauty!" (mp3, wav)

"Jeez he's startin' to sound like the old man -- pretty soon he'll be sendin' me out for beers." (mp3, wav)

Judge: "Until the victim is mentally fit for trial, I want these two lunatics confined, under the psychiatric care of Dr. Smith, and to the Royal Canadian Institute for the Mentally Insane." (mp3, wav)

Doug doing the steam roller on Bob! (mp3, wav)

Bob: "Aw! You farted!"
Doug: "No, it wasn't me eh, it was the chair..." (mp3, wav)

Bob and Doug administering electro-shock therapy on each other. (mp3, wav)

Parking attendant: "Hey you! Let me see your ticket! $6.50!"
Rosie LaRose: "All I got's two fives!" (mp3, wav)

"If you'd stick to your 12-point maintenance program we wouldn't have to jump start you like this..." (mp3, wav)

Bob: "See ya, eh."
Doug: "Yeah, good day eh." (mp3, wav)

"My brother and I used to say that drownin' in beer was like heaven eh, now he's not here an' I got two soakers, this isn't heaven this sucks!" (mp3, wav)

Pamela: "I think it's getting warmer in here."
Bob: "I didn't notice anything." (mp3, wav)

"Ohh, not there! Oh, that feels good." (mp3, wav)

"Okay, all cops get out of your cars..." (mp3, wav)

Bob: "It's a beauty!" (mp3, wav)

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The Canadian anthem as selected by Bob & Doug (Dwight over at SCTVGuide has confirmed this; it is from this episode) (mp3)

A clip of Ian Thomas discussing his involvement with his brother Dave during the Bob & Doug/SCTV days (mp3). Full interview is here.

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